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Psychological question - Decision support in a difficult life situation

September 13, 2017 | 25,00 EUR | answered by Dr. med. Ralf Berg

Hello...

I need help making a decision on a tremendously important and critical life question for me.

Behind this question is the following story:
I am male and have been living in divorce for over a year.
About a year ago, I met and fell in love with a woman, and my question now relates to her.
But this woman also has a backstory that I must first detail here to make the background of my question clear.

I love this woman, let's call her Eva, more than anything, and she has 2 children whom I love just as much. She is currently still in a marriage that has been completely broken for about 2 years and only exists on paper. She still lives with her husband under the same roof and occasionally in the same bed, but only to present a "happy family" to the public and her parents. The reason for this "charade" is the fact that the two of them live in Eva's parents' house, and the relationship between Eva and her own mother is as broken as it is with her husband, but here because her mother underwent a significant negative change in personality after a serious cancer surgery. Before this cancer surgery, Eva and her mother also had a loving relationship.

Eva's marriage was probably never really a marriage based on love. The marriage was entered into after Eva's beloved grandfather, who was terminally ill and expected to pass away within a few months, expressed a last wish to witness the wedding. As a result, Eva felt compelled to ask her husband if they should get married soon. Her husband's response was not particularly enthusiastic, but rather "business-like."

This circumstance seems to have loomed over their marriage for years, and her husband regularly showed little empathy. Eva then suffered from moderate depression after the marriage, as her equally beloved grandmother unexpectedly passed away on the day of the birth of their first child. From that day on, Eva's marriage continued to deteriorate, as her husband regularly showed a worrying lack of empathy and did not provide much support in general. This was exacerbated by the fact that Eva was born with pre-existing knee conditions and now, at the age of 35, wears full prostheses in both knees. To this day, Eva has had to undergo a total of 12 surgeries in 15 years. Her husband practically showed no empathy for the resulting restrictions. Every time Eva returned from the hospital, she had to immediately throw away her crutches and work fully and without restrictions in the household.

In addition to these, her husband made several other mistakes over the years, including in a sexual context, aside from being very short-tempered. These mistakes involving cybersex (excessive consumption of pornographic material on the internet, online strip shows for payment, etc.) led her husband to develop a foot fetish and visit a specialized prostitute for foot sex at least once a month in the Ruhr area (disguised as a business trip).

Currently, Eva is in a rehabilitation program again, as the last full prosthesis was implanted in her knee about a month ago. Her husband took Eva's absence as an opportunity to confess to her that he had full sexual intercourse with a woman who is also 20 years younger than him (the woman in question is 22 years old). He also revealed his inner thoughts, the results of which showed that some of his fantasies were extremely, let's say kindly, unusual. For example, he finds it very stimulating the thought of Eva showing herself in lingerie to other men and after he is aroused enough, he wants to have sexual intercourse with her.

The topic of "loyalty" between the two was also discussed. Her husband distinguishes between "physical" and "emotional" loyalty. He cannot give Eva physical loyalty, but he would always be emotionally loyal to her, and he cannot give her the love and closeness she needs. He explicitly stated that he is aware that I can give Eva what he has never given her and cannot give her.

Despite all this, Eva still proposed to her husband to start over from scratch. Apart from the fact that I have no understanding for this, given everything that has happened, her husband's response was that he did not know if he could or wanted to do that. This made Eva cry bitterly again. She then blamed herself for everything and felt she did not deserve a fresh start. The conversation ended with her husband yelling at her.

It is now confirmed, and Eva has it in writing from a psychologist, that there is a strong suspicion of a narcissistic personality disorder in her husband. I have visited Eva in rehab twice now, and each of these visits was a real blessing for her, especially according to her, her friends, and the therapist who still treats Eva for her depression (she still has to take medication for the depression). Her therapist even believes that through a relationship with me, Eva can get off the medication, because I am willing and able to give her

Dr. med. Ralf Berg

Dear asker,

In a narrower sense, this is not a medical or psychological issue, but rather an ethical-moral one. I will try to provide you with assistance by stimulating your personal decision-making process with some impulses, including my personal opinion.

1. When it comes to a romantic relationship, what are the reasons for discussing problems with your partner instead of talking to others? What are the reasons against it? What are the reasons for talking to significant others about your partner or the problems, and what are the reasons against it?

My opinion: Due to the intimacy of the relationship, it is always better to try to discuss problems with your partner rather than involving others. They could be consulted if BOTH parties wish it. Consider this: if you involve parents who are not yet informed about the situation by sending them a letter, how would that appear from Eva's perspective? It is not only a breach of trust, but it may also seem like you are trying to manipulate close significant others to steer their love towards Eva in a certain direction. Is that a good idea? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

2. When is a person or a couple ready for a fundamental decision? Can one partner help the other who may be slower or struggle to make a decision by taking matters into their own hands? Can an outside third party actually control or influence this process of detachment? Wouldn't that be manipulative?

My opinion: The decision to separate from Eva's husband ultimately must be made by Eva herself. It seems that she is not yet ready for this decision, possibly due to fear of how family members will react. A genuine decision made from within oneself looks different. In that case, Eva would have the strength to either end the marriage alone or seek help from her parents or friends. My advice, even though it may be difficult, is that I believe external influence on this process is limited. As you may already suspect, this intervention could backfire.

Conclusion: Offer Eva your help repeatedly, without pushing, provide perspectives, and avoid being manipulative or organizing things over Eva's head as much as possible.

I hope this gives you some food for thought and guidance for your decision-making process. I hope it helps you in your deliberations.

Best regards,
Dr. R. C. Berg